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Again With The Klingons

I’ve just been chatting on the phone with Nelson Galaxy; he’s been going on about how excited he is about the forthcoming release of the new Star Trek film.

The film apparently is about a young space captain who suffers from cling-ons (don’t ask me – I’m not your typical sci-fi buff, unlike our Nelson).

I had to remind him of the summer we spent on the island of Rhodes about five years ago when he came down with a bad case of the cling-ons. He was having some serious problems with his back passage, if I recall, and it was ruining his holiday.

‘Piles,’ I informed him helpfully.

He eventually went to see a Greek doctor -  he could not bear the itching and soreness any longer – who did things with his finger that a grown man should never be allowed to do to another.

Cured his piles, though.

Kylie Bombshell

‘What do you reckon about that Kylie Mine-agog getting the OBE, then, eh?’ I was collared in the street this morning by the moronic fellow from number 16 who loves to share the sound of his car alarm with the neighbourhood. ‘She only got it ‘cos Prince Charles fancies her.’

I humoured him: ‘The whole affair invites speculation to some extent, doesn’t it.’ For once, I tried to make my point with a measured neutrality.

‘Makes me bloody sick,’ he opined, spittle foaming white in the corners of his mouth. ‘All these honest people like you and me grafting day after day with no thanks, and who gets honoured? Eh? Who?’ – I was worried for a moment that he was about to have an epileptic fit – ‘Some bloody Aussie tart who can’t sing – that’s who!

My only thoughts were of escape. ‘Ha ha, yes. I would love to stand and chat but I must deliver myself of your leave. I need to lie down – I’m afraid I might be about to have a brain aneurism.’

‘Never mind – Star Trek’s on t’telly later,’ he helpfully informed me, suddenly full of joy.

This is what I said in reply: ‘That’s great.’ This is what I was actually thinking: ‘Beam me up, Scotty.’

Space Oddities

An actor friend of mine has been telling me that he has a part as a ‘background Vulcan’ in the new Star Trek movie.

According to him, his odd appearance gave producers the idea to hold open casting sessions for people with ‘unique’ features to appear as extras in the film. The studio said it was interested in people with distinctive characteristics like ‘long necks, small heads, bug eyes, large foreheads and oversized ears’. It sounds like a cost-cutting exercise to me – they are probably trying to save on the make-up.

I rang Nelson first thing this morning. ‘You should have a go, Nel,’ I joked. ‘I’m sure you’ll get a part.’

He put the phone down on me. Women!