All petrol driven remote-controlled model cars should be banned.

All noisy toys should be banned. In fact, let’s go the whole hog and ban children, too.

Or, more specifically, let’s ban children – and adults, as it happens – from using these infernal contraptions on the rec’ outside the studio window, or anywhere within a ten mile radius of Davy Lawrence and his dog.

I’m at my wits’ end, darling readers, I really am: one could hang a coat on my frustration.

Every time I have tried to record some vocals today, some adolescent simpleton – who should, incidentally, be at school – and his cretinous father begin pressing a small hand-held controller which sends the child’s model-car-Christmas-present noisily zooming up and down the paths just over the wall at the end of our back garden. Audrey cannot stand the disruption, either. ‘Woof! Woof! Woof!’ she barks every time the hellish noise invades our privacy – and then, ‘WOOF!’ again.

Aagghhrrr! PISS OFF, MORONS!

Why buy kids such things in the first place? They only add to the pollution we have to suffer around here.

‘When we have children,’ I told Audrey, ‘I’m going to buy them wooden hoops for Christmas.’

She ignored me and went to lie under the bed.

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